The established economy of star ratings for film and television reviews has been thrown into chaos. This upheaval was triggered by a singularly horrendous TV show starring Kim Kardashian, which received an almost unprecedented zero-star rating from a Guardian critic.
The Precedent of the Zero-Star Review
My colleague Lucy Mangan's review of All's Fair detonated a firestorm of critical horror. More significantly, it may have undermined the entire currency of the star-rating system. Such a rating is exceptionally rare for the publication. In fact, The Guardian has only ever published 18 zero-star reviews in its entire history.
This event raises a pressing question for critics: if zero stars becomes the new benchmark for expressing critical rage, what happens to the scale? I myself have the distinction of giving the newspaper its first-ever zero-star review back in 2002 for Cuba Gooding Jr.'s terrible comedy, Boat Trip. Yet, I had always assumed that a one-star rating was the lowest possible score, the critical equivalent of the worst grade. Awarding zero stars is like a guitarist cranking an amplifier to 11; it's an escalation that questions the very system it operates within.
The danger is a sort of critical hyperinflation. If zero becomes normal, what is to stop a critic from awarding minus one or minus two stars? The entire framework could collapse, requiring a reset akin to the introduction of the new French franc in 1960.
Cinematic Offenders Worthy of a Downgrade
Nevertheless, if zero stars is to be the new normal, then so be it. It is time to ceremoniously strip the single star from certain one-star movies and reduce their rating to nul points. These are the films that truly deserve the big 0.
The first candidate is the 2001 grossout comedy Freddy Got Fingered, starring Tom Green. I previously described it not merely as the 21st century's worst movie, but as its worst cultural artefact. Watching it was among the worst experiences of my life, an ordeal I compared to a traumatic dental procedure from my youth.
Another film that induced a virtual nervous breakdown was Ang Lee's The Incredible Hulk, a movie marred by mindblowingly bad acting that failed on almost every level.
The Gold Medal for Moviemaking Horror
However, the ultimate prize for zero stars, for pure moviemaking horror, goes to the 2010 film Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts. This interminable chronicle of a self-help spiritual journey was a cinematic low point. Re-reading my original review, I am now convinced that a rating of zero stars might even be generous for this particular exercise in celluloid suffering.
The landscape of criticism is changing. With the bar for failure now set at zero, these films stand as monuments to the kind of creative endeavours that not only disappoint but actively diminish the art form.
