Philip de Mouilpied never recovered after losing his mother to breast cancer at the age of 10. When Kathleen died 37 years ago, there was no bereavement support, leaving Philip, his younger brother Johnny, and their sisters, Caroline and Andrea, struggling to cope. Their father, also named Philip, provided all the support he could alongside his wife's sister Josie, who would also be taken by the disease six years later.
A Childhood Shadowed by Grief
'There was a lot of death growing up. We lived in a lot of grief and sadness. But to meet him, you'd never guessed Philip had lost so much,' Johnny, 44, from Stockport, tells Metro. 'My brother was never unkind or bitter. Nobody ever had a bad word to say about him – he was just so loveable.'
Philip married young and, by 22, he and his 'wonderful, gorgeous' wife Lucy, his childhood sweetheart, had their first child. For decades, he carried his pain and anxiety largely in silence, until he died by suicide in October last year at the age of 46.
The Day of the Tragedy
That day Lucy returned from work and found Philip; Emily arrived soon after and called Johnny before dialing 999. 'I had an hour to kill so I was sitting alone in Brown's Bar in Manchester with a quick glass of Merlot, to decompress after meetings when Emily phoned. I answered: "Hi baby girl." And she told me what had happened,' Johnny recalls.
In shock, he instructed her as best he could, telling her to check again for signs of life. When his worst fears were confirmed, Johnny had to break the heartbreaking news to his father and the rest of the family. 'I was in an alleyway in Manchester phoning my sisters. Those were some of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life. I had to go home and then get the tram to Philip's house. I just broke down in tears,' he remembers.
Johnny rushed to his brother's home to support Lucy, Jessica, 23, Emily, 22, and 19-year-old Callum. Later, the whole family went to sit with Philip in the Chapel of Rest. 'It was awful. But later I was glad I went,' Johnny says.
Different Coping Mechanisms
The brothers had been close growing up and both struggled after losing their mother. When Johnny was 18, he suffered from panic attacks as he prepared to come out as gay. But he discovered honesty and openness were the best way forward, and has been mentally well ever since. Philip, on the other hand, kept his pain inside.
'He was very different to me and because he was older, he protected me a lot and didn't deal with his feelings. He suffered,' Johnny says. 'He had experienced so much grief, and he hated anybody feeling sad. Whenever they did, he just tried to take that feeling away from them. Which was to his detriment.'
Philip, a steel work manager, fell into alcoholism in his twenties. When it emerged he was drinking before work, Johnny insisted he go into rehab, paying for treatment. In sobriety, Philip isolated himself from social situations. 'There was always a reason he had to go home – to see to the dogs or something,' Johnny remembers. And while he'd had therapy and taken antidepressants, Philip 'never got to the root cause' of his sorrow, his brother, who works in banking, adds.
'We knew he was poorly, but he didn't always tell the truth about everything. He had crippling anxiety, and he would always block it out, rather than tackle it, hoping it would just disappear. And then it morphed into depression.'
Support Resources
For emotional support, you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org, visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website. PAPYRUS offers specialized suicide prevention support for young people. Their HOPELINE247 is open every day of the year, 24 hours a day. You can call 0800 068 4141, text 88247 or email: pat@papyrus-uk.org.
'Looking back on it now, I think he was waiting until the kids were independent and older to end his life. Callum had just got his first job and passed his driving test.' Philip's anxiety was so deep-rooted that Johnny does not believe anything could have prevented his brother from ending his life when he did. 'Nothing could have stopped him,' he says starkly. 'Even if I was there that day, I wouldn't have been able to save him. He'd made his choice. But if anything could have been different, there should have been more focus on prevention, rather than cure. We spent years watching our mum die before our eyes – literally wasting away in front of us. We had no support whatsoever. If we had got to the root cause of it all, I think he could have been saved.'
Final Goodbye and a New Mission
Five weeks before Philip died, the whole family were in Northern Ireland for a family wedding. At the hotel, the brothers had breakfast alone together. Nothing significant was said, but Johnny now realizes that Philip was saying goodbye. After his death, Johnny took on a fatherly role, promising to walk his nieces down the aisle and now takes Jessica, Callum, and Emily out whenever he can. Married to Gareth, with their two cavapoos Henry and Buzz, Johnny lives ten miles from his family and remains close to Lucy.
In trying to prevent the family from becoming overwhelmed by grief as their father was, Johnny tries to lead by example. Five days after Philip died, he went to a Katy Perry concert, 'because he would have gone mad had I cancelled.' A week later, he booked the whole family a holiday to Lanzarote so that, in the midst of funeral planning, they would have something to look forward to.
There was standing-room only at the church on the day of his send-off, and Johnny gave Philip's eulogy, paying tribute to his wicked sense of humor and devotion to his family. 'We had the most wonderful funeral for him, and he was laid to rest with my mum, which brought everybody a lot of comfort,' adds Johnny. Jessica, Callum, and Emily danced on chairs to Philip's favorite music, holding pictures of him aloft, and they now take his photo around the world, visiting places his anxiety prevented him from seeing.
The family also wanted to honor Philip's life by helping prevent other suicides. Johnny has always done a lot of charity work and for years he had been mulling the idea about using household bins for good causes. 'Bins are everywhere. There are 100 million across the UK. After Philip passed, we realized as a family that if we put stickers on bins, it would open up that everyday conversation, and provide us with a way of making money for mental health charities from the sales,' he explains.
So last month the Bin Silence Foundation was born, selling stickers with house numbers and a logo encouraging people to talk. They got the stickers printed and sat around each other's kitchen tables cutting them out ready to be sent, as sister Caroline leads the logistics. 'Our hope is that it can start conversation, maybe even save some lives,' Johnny says.
'We want to bin silence around suicide. We've already had messages of thanks from people whose children are self-harming, whose husbands have been up on motorway bridges. Even if you can't speak to someone in your own circle, there is so much help out there. You aren't alone. When you have anxiety or depression, it can feel very isolating. Philip didn't realize how much he was loved. If he had seen how many people were at the church, he never would have ended his life. The first time a man gets flowers is often at his own funeral, and that's a tragic thing. We want people to know there is always hope, and always a way forward.'
