In the midst of a jiu-jitsu session, I confessed my insecurities to my friend Dilan, feeling embarrassed by my own anxious voice. "Maybe I'm doing something wrong, or there's something not right with me," I said. She shook her head knowingly, offering a bleak but comforting truth: "Every woman I know has had a good time with a man, thought it might go somewhere, and then he has pulled back without explanation." This recognition helped me reframe Matteo's push-and-pull behavior as just another quirk of modern dating—nothing personal, just a sad reality of how some men operate.
The Promising Start That Led to Confusion
Matteo and I matched on Hinge in December. His profile showed a tall, muscular man with a stable job, and circumstances delayed our first date, leading to a month of daily conversations. Through voice notes, we discussed everything from AI to religion, and I found myself smiling whenever his name lit up my phone. It felt like he was in it for the long haul, seeking something more than a casual fling.
Our first date was a walk along the beach, where conversation flowed effortlessly. I joked about his old-school habits, like using a guidebook and carrying physical cards, and he smiled warmly, mentioning he'd read all my articles. Between dates, his communication remained intense, filled with talk of future plans and even mapping out remote work travels together.
The Bombshell That Changed Everything
On our second date, as we sat by the river with his arm around me, Matteo asked, "So what are you looking for, romantically?" I leaned into him and replied, "That depends on the person, but I'm always opposed to a friends-with-benefits situation." Then came his devastating response: "I don't date with intention or with anything long-term in mind. I go with the flow."
My heart sank. Everything up to that point had suggested potential for something meaningful—daily messaging, enthusiastic planning, and even his inquiry about my anxiety triggers to avoid saying the wrong thing. Instead of walking away, I brushed it off with a joke, hiding my upset. Looking back, I should have left immediately, but I told myself it was early and decided to see how things unfolded.
The Mixed Messages That Followed
We kissed that night, a moment both warm and confusing. Matteo didn't act like someone who "doesn't date with intention." He shared deeply personal stories about his mother's passing and past relationship disappointments, explaining that his "go with the flow" approach stemmed from not placing high expectations on people. It felt like he was giving himself a built-in exit while speaking like someone on a romantic journey.
After the date, he texted saying he'd had a lovely time, but then silence followed for two days. When he finally messaged again, it was just a gym photo—no romantic conversation. Our communication petered out, leaving me spiraling, replaying conversations and struggling not to read into things.
Lessons Learned and Moving Forward
This experience taught me that early enthusiasm is easy, but sustained effort is rarer. I've since adopted a tighter screening process for dates, paying closer attention to how people show up in person rather than just their pre-meeting communication. Whenever actions don't match texted enthusiasm, I now head quickly in the other direction. That's how I'm truly "going with the flow"—by recognizing red flags and protecting my emotional well-being.
Modern dating often involves navigating mixed signals and casual approaches that can lead to heartbreak. By sharing this story, I hope others can learn to identify genuine intentions versus modern dating pitfalls, prioritizing consistency and honesty in relationships.
