Rethinking Codependency: A Therapist's Case for Healthy Relationship Dependency
In the realm of modern dating advice, codependency is frequently vilified as a toxic trait to avoid at all costs. However, therapist and relationships expert Nedra Glover Tawwab offers a fresh perspective in her new book, The Balancing Act, arguing that not all dependency is detrimental. She distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy forms of reliance, suggesting that embracing a balanced approach can lead to more meaningful connections without sacrificing individuality.
Learning Relational Skills Through Interaction
Tawwab challenges the common advice to stay single until one is fully prepared for a relationship. She emphasizes that many crucial relational skills, such as managing disagreements and understanding personal preferences, are honed through direct experience with others. "What you like, what you don't like, how to deal with other people and have disagreements: those things are learned in relationships," Tawwab explains. While self-awareness through therapy is valuable, she warns that avoiding relationships altogether can leave individuals ill-equipped for social interactions. Instead, she encourages seeking connections in various forms, from friendships to workplace dynamics, to build transferable skills that enhance all types of relationships.
Dependency as a Natural Human Trait
The concept of dependency often carries a negative stigma, fueled by a culture that prizes independence. Tawwab counters this by pointing out that humans are inherently interdependent, relying on others for everything from clothing to emotional support. "Our clothes, our groceries, everything that comes into our homes – it is all from other people. We're already dependent," she notes. She defines healthy dependency as the ability to maintain a support system while exercising boundaries and recognizing when reliance becomes codependent. Conversely, under-reliance, or refusing to make oneself vulnerable, can be just as harmful, creating barriers to deep connections.
Overcoming Instincts and Patterns
Attachment styles, such as avoidant or anxious behaviors, are often viewed as fixed traits, but Tawwab argues they are malleable. "We can use attachment styles as a crutch: 'This is the way I am.' In actuality, you can change your attachment style, and it shows up differently based on who the relationship is with," she says. By cultivating curiosity about one's impulses—like the urge to pull away or seek excessive closeness—individuals can learn to respond differently, breaking cycles that hinder intimacy. Tawwab shares her own evolution from having rigid criteria for friendships to becoming more comfortable with vulnerability, illustrating that growth is possible with conscious effort.
Navigating Individual Needs and Compromises
Relationships are not one-size-fits-all, Tawwab asserts, as comfort levels with intimacy vary widely between individuals. She advises being clear about personal needs while acknowledging the necessity of compromise. "People think they can just tell someone, 'Here are all the things you need to do to be in a relationship with me.' Actually, if we want to be in those relationships, we have to show up a certain way," she explains. Instead of striving for a perfect 50-50 balance, she recommends accepting partners and friends for their strengths and weaknesses, fostering accommodation rather than scorekeeping. This approach reduces conflict and promotes mutual respect.
Trusting Feelings and Embracing Growth
Ultimately, Tawwab suggests that the health of a relationship is best measured by how it makes one feel. While instincts can sometimes be misleading—especially when familiarity masks toxicity—feeling safe, respected, and free to express oneself are key indicators of a positive connection. She acknowledges that discomfort and friction are natural parts of relationships and often signal personal growth. "You honour their boundaries, they honour yours, you can have disagreements and argue, and it's still safe," Tawwab says. By embracing these challenges, individuals can build resilience and deepen their bonds, moving beyond outdated myths about dependency to create more authentic and supportive relationships.
