While a cheating partner might claim an affair 'just happened', experts insist that infidelity rarely occurs without warning. Underlying dissatisfaction often manifests in subtle behavioural shifts long before any physical betrayal takes place.
According to relationship professionals, people frequently cite unhappiness at home as a justification for looking elsewhere. Common reasons include feeling ignored, having doubts about the relationship, or a lack of sexual intimacy. This doesn't place blame on the partner, but it highlights that there are often detectable signs on the horizon.
The Subtle Shifts in Behaviour
James Sexton, a divorce lawyer and author of 'How Not to F*ck Up Your Marriage', tells Metro: "Infidelity isn't about sex; it's about distance, secrecy, and unspoken dissatisfaction. By the time someone walks into my office, it's already too late. The real work happens long before that, when the warning signs are still whispers instead of proof."
While no one can predict the future with certainty, recognising these red flags can help couples address underlying problems early, potentially saving the relationship or at least preventing a devastating shock.
1. Relationship Apathy and Emotional Withdrawal
Is your partner fully engaged or merely going through the motions? Charisse Cooke, an attachment-based psychotherapist, explains that a degree of emotional checkout is often necessary for someone to consider cheating. This can show up as indifference, detachment, and a general lack of interest in improving the relationship dynamic.
2. Cultivating a Separate Life
You might notice your partner making plans without you, spending significantly more time at work or with friends, and essentially living a life that doesn't include you. Yolanda Renteria, a licensed professional counsellor, notes this suggests they are 'happier when you're not around' and are building a new identity outside the relationship.
James Sexton adds: "Cheating usually begins with a quiet decision: I don't have to fully share my life with my partner anymore. Once that door opens, the rest follows more easily than people want to admit."
3. When Privacy Becomes Secrecy
Guarding phones, refusing to share details, or reacting with irritation to innocent questions can be a way to erode trust gradually. Sexton recalls a client whose husband trained her to feel embarrassed for asking who he was texting, a pattern of secrecy that existed for over a year before the affair was discovered.
4. A Sharp Increase in Criticism
If your partner becomes highly critical of your appearance, behaviour, or life goals, it could be a distancing tactic. Yolanda Renteria suggests this may be a way for them to manage their own changing emotions and reduce guilt about their waning interest.
5. Their Best Energy is Directed Elsewhere
As the saying goes, the grass is greenest where it's watered. A partner may start sharing their enthusiasm, jokes, and emotional intimacy with someone else first. Sexton cites a client who spent hours messaging a colleague about his day, fears, and frustrations—conversations he was no longer having with his wife.
6. Rewriting Your Relationship History
Someone preparing to cheat may start retrospectively downgrading the relationship, claiming it was 'never that good' or that they've 'been unhappy for years,' even if this is a complete surprise to you. Sexton calls this 'emotional accounting'—creating a narrative of past problems to justify future actions.
7. A Newfound, Out-of-Character Sexual Drive
Charisse Cooke observes that a significant increase in sexual fantasy, motivation, or a desire to experiment can sometimes be inspired by someone outside the relationship. While a renewed sexual interest isn't inherently bad, combined with other signs, it may be cause for concern.
8. A Pattern of White Lies
"Big betrayals almost never arrive without small lies warming up the room first," warns James Sexton. These minor falsehoods about whereabouts or company serve to normalise dishonesty. "Once honesty becomes optional, fidelity is already on shaky ground," he adds.
9. Paradoxical, Performative Niceness
Perhaps the most confusing sign is when a partner becomes unusually attentive and accommodating. Cooke explains this can be an unconscious over-correction for the guilt of having a 'roaming eye' or plans to breach trust, an attempt to play the 'good partner' to negate their guilty conscience.
What To Do If You Spot the Signs
If you notice your partner pulling away, experts advise against snooping. Instead, James Sexton recommends clearly stating that you feel less included in their life and that this causes you anxiety. Their response—whether they lean in or brush you off—can be very telling.
Yolanda Renteria suggests proactive steps like inviting them to re-engage in shared activities or hobbies. If they consistently make excuses, it may be time for a direct conversation about the relationship's future.
When facing increased criticism, Renteria advises asking your partner what they *do* like about you. If they struggle to answer or avoid the question, that in itself is a significant issue that needs addressing.
Ultimately, open, respectful communication is key. How your partner responds to your expressed concerns will provide crucial information about the state of your relationship and the path forward.
