For many viewers, Michaela Coel's groundbreaking 2020 BBC drama I May Destroy You was a profoundly difficult watch. The series, which dramatises Coel's own experience of sexual assault, follows protagonist Arabella as she pieces together the fact she was drugged and raped on a night out. With the stark statistic that one in four women in Britain has experienced sexual violence, the show's narrative felt confronting and terrifyingly familiar to a vast audience.
A Personal Story Mirrors the Screen
When the series first aired in the summer of 2020, one viewer had not yet become part of that statistic. Three months later, her own life eerily mirrored the show's plot. After a second date, she recalls going back to a man's flat, only for her memory to dissolve into a 'vast nothingness' she has struggled to comprehend ever since.
Waking up confused and embarrassed by the memory loss, she questioned her date. He claimed they had had sex, and appeared offended when she stated she could not remember it. It was only after meeting her sister, who immediately suggested she had been drugged, that the possibility took hold. The writer initially dismissed the idea, associating spiking with depraved strangers in clubs, not with men you like in nice flats. Then she remembered the half-empty bottle of wine offered to her but left untouched by him.
The Halt of an Investigation and Years of Guilt
Within an hour, police were at her home. She underwent forensic examinations and placed her clothing into evidence bags. However, when officers stated they would arrest the man if she provided his details, she hesitated. Fearing the dramatic, life-altering consequences and wrestling with her own uncertainty, she withheld his information. The investigation was halted there and then.
Without a named suspect, her samples were not tested, though they were preserved in case she changed her mind. For five years, the officer's card sat on her shelf and the case sat at the back of her mind, accompanied by a growing guilt that in protecting one man, she may have left other women vulnerable.
A Rewatch Becomes a Catalyst for Action
This year, a conversation with a friend who had endured a similar ordeal prompted her to revisit I May Destroy You. She was nervous; the series had rattled her before, so what would it do now she had lived her own version of violation? During the fifth episode, a scene where Arabella is praised for her bravery compelled her to act.
She found the old police card and called the non-emergency number 101. Navigating a system unsure how to proceed after so many years, she also searched for the man online, finding a profile picture of him holding a baby. The image sparked conflicting emotions: doubt that a father could have committed such an act, and anger that he had moved on to a 'normal, full life'.
Finding a Form of Closure
While the legal case remains in limbo, the act of pursuing it brought an unexpected resolution. The writer acknowledges that the final episode of Coel's series presents variations of confrontation and reckoning that most survivors, including herself, will never get. Yet, by rewatching the drama and finally asking the difficult questions, she found something akin to closure.
Living with the uncertainty continues, but understanding that reopening the case is more complex than imagined—and unlikely to deliver the justice she once fantasised about—has acted as a full stop. It has helped end the guilt and shame that were never rightfully hers to carry.
In the UK, Rape Crisis offers support on 0808 500 2222 in England and Wales, 0808 801 0302 in Scotland, or 0800 0246 991 in Northern Ireland.
