Within the blink of an eye, your whole life can change. This week’s reader feels ‘ill’ at the thought of confronting her husband after finding out about his affair. The ‘chatty, jokey’ man she thought she knew has actually been cheating on his wife, with someone extremely close to him. Now, he’s grown ‘quiet and distant’ and despite the pair having plans to start a family, he’s backtracking.
Laura Collins offers her expert advice on how to handle this devastating situation.
The Problem
Last week I received an anonymous phone call out of the blue, telling me my husband is cheating on me with his secretary. The news hit me like a freight train, and I ended up screaming at the caller before I slammed the phone down. I felt so angry and distressed, and yet what she told me made sense of my husband’s strange behaviour over the last eight months. He often works late, gets calls that require him to go into the office unexpectedly, or disappears to ‘play golf’ (a game he’s always hated).
When we’re out with friends he’s always on form, being the chatty, jokey character he’s always been. No one would ever dream there’s anything wrong between us. But when we’re on our own, he’s quiet and distant, and our sex life is non-existent. He doesn’t seem interested in the basic things we used to do, like going to the cinema or visiting family. We’ve often talked about having children, but now when I raise the subject, he just says he’s ‘not ready’. His secretary is very young and pretty, and he often says how brilliant she is. But because he isn’t the world’s best looking guy, it has never occurred to me that she’d be interested in him romantically. The thought of confronting him makes me ill, and I’m sure he’ll deny it anyway.
The Advice
Deny it or not, it does sound as though you believe the anonymous caller (maybe his secretary?), even if you don’t want to. So please don’t put off confronting your husband – uncertainty is almost always worse than knowing the truth, however horrible it may be. At least you can plan what you’re going to do next, once you’re in possession of the facts.
With your emotions all over the place, maybe you’re finding it hard to pin him down, or you’re afraid of what you might hear. If that’s the case, confide first in your closest friends, and take strength from the support of those who love you and want the best for you. Talking it over will also help you see the situation more clearly, so that you’ll start to feel stronger and more resolute.
Steps to Take
- Be bold. Confront your husband, and tell him about the anonymous call. Ask him to explain his sudden absences, his lack of interest in sex and his distant behaviour.
- There are only two ways it can go: he’ll either come right out and confess, or vigorously protest his innocence. Maybe he’ll even welcome the opportunity to talk about what’s been going on.
- And then, once you’ve talked, you can decide what you need to do. As you have no children, perhaps you should think about a future without him, as he clearly isn’t making you happy any more.
- Consider if infidelity is his thing – if it’s not the secretary, it could eventually be someone else. On the other hand, if he really wants to make your marriage work (and you do, too), then you’ll probably need couples counselling to get back on track.
Either way, avoiding the truth won’t help you, so please be brave and grasp the nettle. Give it time, but once your emotions are in a better place, you’ll be so glad you did.
