For Dee Whitnell, a single date in January 2026 became a pivotal moment of clarity. When a cisgender man used their correct pronouns, they felt a sudden surge of validation. Yet, a friend's blunt observation – ‘Getting your pronouns right is the bare minimum, Dee’ – sparked a profound realisation about their past relationships.
The Journey to a Nonbinary Identity
Dee’s path to self-understanding began in childhood, characterised by a fluid engagement with both masculine and feminine toys, clothes, and activities. The pressure to conform to a feminine ideal intensified during their teens, leading to experiments with presenting as a trans man. It wasn't until their early twenties that discovering the term ‘nonbinary’ provided the missing piece, a label that finally felt like home.
Their social transition was gradual, telling friends and family in stages. To their surprise, their family acknowledged they had always known Dee was ‘different’. After a year of using they/she pronouns to accommodate others, Dee confidently settled on they/them pronouns, deciding that anyone unwilling to use them correctly had no place in their life.
A Transformative Connection
In 2024, Dee met their boyfriend on a dating app. This wasn't just their first queer date, but their first t4t (trans for trans) experience. Before intimacy, they had detailed conversations about identities, gender euphoria, dysphoria, and boundaries.
The experience was revelatory. “It felt like how sex is depicted in movies: dreamy, whimsical, and a little silly. It was magical,” Dee recalls. This moment led to a stark realisation: they no longer wished to date cisgender men. This contradicted their previous self-described sexuality, which they now see may have been influenced by internalised homophobia.
Beyond the Bare Minimum: Finding True Acceptance
The contrast with past relationships was stark. Gone were the fears of being misgendered by a cis male partner in the bedroom or having to constantly explain dysphoria. With their trans boyfriend, Dee felt safe to be their full self and explore intimacy without anxiety.
“I was no longer the teacher, having to explain to a partner why I didn’t want my chest to be touched, or why calling me ‘girl’ in the bedroom was inappropriate,” they explain. Their partner’s inherent understanding as a fellow trans person allowed Dee to be truly present, with intimacy now encompassing their transness, whether on a ‘no-chest’ day or while wearing a binder.
Dee’s only regret is not meeting their boyfriend sooner, which would have spared them years of soul-searching and praising cis men for what they now see as the bare minimum of trans allyship. Their story, shared as part of Metro's Pride and Joy series, underscores a powerful conclusion: as queer, trans people, they deserve to be loved fully, and for Dee, that path no longer includes cis men.
