Feeling like the spark has fizzled and your relationship has entered a prolonged period of little to no physical intimacy? You are far from alone. This common phase, often described by experts as a 'sexual desert' or 'dry spell', affects countless couples. The good news is that with intention, communication, and a shift in perspective, it is entirely possible to navigate back to a fulfilling connection.
Understanding the 'Dry Spell': It's Normal and Often Temporary
First and foremost, do not panic. According to Dr Tammy Nelson, a renowned sex and couples therapist and author, every couple experiences periods of lower sexual activity. It is not an indicator that either partner is 'broken' or that the relationship is fundamentally flawed. Dr Laurie Mintz, a sex therapist and author, concurs, explaining that the initial intense 'limerence' stage—where couples can't keep their hands off each other—typically lasts between six months and two years before naturally fading.
Social psychologist Dr Sara Nasserzadeh emphasises that external pressures like careers, raising children, caregiving responsibilities, and health changes can significantly impact physical intimacy. Simply reframing this period as a temporary 'season' or 'phase', rather than a personal failure, can bring immense reassurance and reduce anxiety.
Practical Strategies to Rebuild Connection and Desire
Experts agree that reviving a dormant sex life requires moving beyond old habits and scripts. Here are actionable tips from leading therapists and advisors.
1. Check In With Yourself: Clinical psychologist Dr Orna Guralnik notes that internal struggles, such as depression or stress, can strip away the capacity for pleasure and are often projected onto the relationship. It's crucial to look inward and address your own needs for self-care first.
2. Redefine Your Sexual Vocabulary: Dr Mintz highlights a critical issue: our language often overvalues male pleasure. We use 'sex' and 'intercourse' interchangeably, despite the fact many women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and label 'foreplay' as a mere prelude. Flipping this script—viewing mutual pleasure as the main event—can be transformative. She points out that women who have sex with women often report more orgasms, likely due to better communication, more time, and less focus on penetration.
3. Schedule Intimacy and Embrace Responsive Desire: Forget the myth of spontaneity. Sex columnist Dan Savage and Dr Mintz advise scheduling sex and embracing 'responsive desire'—the idea that arousal can build after you begin a sexual encounter, rather than needing to feel 'horny' beforehand. Block out time, turn off devices, and start without pressure.
4. Tackle Body Image Issues Gently: If body positivity feels out of reach, Dan Savage suggests practical steps: turn off the lights, use blindfolds, or wear lingerie or clothing that makes you feel sexy. Dr Nelson reminds us that partners are longing for closeness, not critiquing your body. "Confidence grows through intimacy, not the other way around," she says.
5. Be 'GGG' and Open to Suggestions: Savage advocates being 'GGG': Good in bed, Giving of pleasure, and Game for anything (within reason). This means being willing to try things your partner is interested in, provided they don't turn you off or feel dehumanising, and expecting the same openness in return.
Building Intimacy Step-by-Step
For couples feeling overwhelmed, experts recommend starting small and building momentum through consistent, positive experiences.
6. Touch Without Expectation: Dr Nasserzadeh suggests incorporating small, affectionate touches daily without treating them as a prelude to sex. This rebuilds safety and connection in four stages: start small, ensure it's pleasant, be consistent, and allow your bodies to relearn pleasure.
7. Broaden Your Definition of Sex: Move beyond the narrow goal of penetrative intercourse. "The more broadly you define sex, the more sex you'll have," asserts Dan Savage. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, using toys, or even a long kiss are all valid and fulfilling forms of sexual connection.
8. Create a 'Bridge' Ritual: Dr Nelson explains that many desire issues are nervous system problems. Create a transition ritual—a shower, a favourite song, deep breathing—to signal a shift out of 'go mode' and into a state where relaxation and desire can emerge.
9. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Criticism: Ironically, we often talk least about sex with our partners. Dr Nelson advises starting positive, specific conversations focused on appreciation: "What did you like last time? What would you like more of?" If it feels awkward, Savage suggests talking side-by-side in a car.
10. Write a 'Sex Menu': Dr Nasserzadeh recommends each partner creating a list of activities they believe would bring pleasure. This becomes a 'menu' to choose from when energy allows, ensuring both partners feel fulfilled and eager to return.
11. Incorporate Mindfulness: Dr Mintz recommends stress-management techniques like exercise, yoga, or deep breathing. Practice mindfulness by focusing on sensations during mundane acts like brushing your teeth, then apply that focused attention to sexual encounters.
12. Set the Scene and Break Routines: After a dry spell, intimacy needs deliberate cultivation. Create a ceremony, like lighting a candle and reminiscing. Break out of 'Tuesday at 8pm sex' by changing locations, times, or trying a hotel, as Dr Guralnik and Savage suggest, to reintroduce novelty and adventure.
13. Address Pain Immediately: Dr Mintz warns that pain is a major libido killer for many women. If sex hurts, seek medical advice, as causes can be hormonal or physical. She is a strong advocate for using lubricant, noting that arousal doesn't always equate to natural lubrication.
14. Make a 'No-Pressure' Contract: Dr Guralnik advises agreeing in advance that any encounter can stop the moment either partner wants to, removing performance pressure and resentment.
15. Explore Kinks and Toys Thoughtfully: Explore what genuinely turns you on, but know kinks aren't mandatory. Dr Mintz normalises vibrator use for orgasm, citing biological reasons. Dan Savage notes kinks are often exaggerations of existing turn-ons.
16. Celebrate Every Micro-Victory: Finally, Dr Nasserzadeh stresses the importance of acknowledging progress. Celebrate five minutes of touch or a successful 'menu' item. These small wins build positive momentum over time, guiding you out of the desert and back to a landscape of shared intimacy.
