For many single people, the search for a romantic partner can become an all-consuming source of distress. This was the experience of Caroline*, a woman in her early 30s who sought help from clinical and forensic psychologist Dr Ahona Guha, feeling overwhelmed by a persistent lack of success in dating.
The Spiral of Anxiety and Withdrawal
Caroline explained that despite using online dating apps and attending events, she had remained largely single since one long-term relationship in her early 20s. The engagement of her best friend triggered a cascade of anxiety, reinforcing a fear that she was somehow defective and would miss key life milestones.
"I can't stop thinking about the things that might be wrong with me. I'm even thinking of taking Ozempic and getting a boob job," she told Dr Guha, anxiously focusing on her body image.
Her fixation on finding a partner led her to withdraw from hobbies and activities that once brought her joy, spending excessive time swiping on apps. This pattern was punctuated by periods of intense apathy, driven by poor behaviour from potential partners and difficulty finding someone who matched her professional success and emotional intelligence.
A Therapeutic Approach to Self-Worth
Dr Guha, noting that Caroline did not have a diagnosable disorder but was at risk of developing depression or body dysmorphic issues, adopted a multi-stage approach. They worked on cognitive strategies to reduce body-checking behaviours and behavioural plans to re-engage with the world, like joining a pub football team.
A significant hurdle was Caroline's belief, fueled by social media content, that she had an "avoidant" attachment style doomed to failure. Therapy helped her see this as a self-protective barrier built from past disappointments, rather than a permanent flaw.
The core of their work involved dismantling her sense of defectiveness and tackling low self-esteem. They examined her beliefs about dating, such as "if I'm not picked, there must be something wrong with me." Crucially, Dr Guha helped Caroline learn to sit with her sadness and loneliness instead of frantically trying to "fix" her single status.
Building a Values-Led Life
As Caroline acknowledged her sadness, she uncovered a deeper yearning for connection. Therapy also focused on setting healthy boundaries, affirming that tolerating emotional immaturity or sexual inappropriateness was not necessary to find a partner.
Using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dr Guha helped Caroline name her key values. The goal was to build a fulfilling life centred on community and personal worth, irrespective of her relationship status, while accepting that some emotional distress is a universal part of life.
While not a miracle cure for dating challenges, this process allowed Caroline to approach her search with greater equanimity. She developed a stronger equilibrium and a vital understanding that her value extended far beyond her success or failure on dating apps.
*Client details are a fictional amalgam to protect confidentiality. Dr Ahona Guha is a psychologist and author based in Melbourne.
