In a passionate and humorous broadside, stand-up comedian and resident doctor Michael Akadiri has declared that public displays of affection (PDAs) on the morning commute should be a criminal offence. Targeting everything from hugging and kissing to passengers sitting on each other's laps, Akadiri's rant has struck a chord with weary early-morning travellers.
Love is Great, But Not at 8 AM
Michael Akadiri is quick to clarify that he is no enemy of romance. He describes himself as happily married, a fan of love stories, and an avid viewer of the US reality dating show Pop the Balloon or Find Love, hosted by Arlette Amuli. However, he draws a firm line at the behaviour witnessed on trains and buses during the rush to work.
"What’s the excuse for feeling randy at eight o’clock on a Tuesday morning?" he questions. In his view, the early hours are for caffeine and contemplation, not canoodling. He suggests that if someone is truly so stimulated, they should stay home to recover, treating the condition with the same seriousness as being over the limit from drink or drugs.
A Call for a Tonguing Police Force
Akadiri's proposed solution is delivered with classic comedic hyperbole. He imagines a draconian system where perpetrators are locked up without due process, hunted down by a dedicated 'British tonguing police' (BTP). His reference to the board game Monopoly – "They would not pass go, they would not collect £200" – underscores the severity with which he believes these 'crimes' should be treated.
He makes a concession for evening and weekend travel, especially after a night out, where a little uninhibited affection might be understood. But the grim, functional atmosphere of the morning commute, he argues, offers no such excuses.
The Professional and Personal Stance
Blending his perspective as a medical professional and a comedian, Akadiri questions how anyone can be productive at work while under the influence of what he calls "excessive titillation." His final plea, delivered with a mix of exasperation and wit, is simple: "I’m happy for you: love who you love. Just don’t love them in my face first thing in the morning."
The comedian, who will embark on his Don’t Call Me Uncle tour across the UK and Ireland in 2026, has clearly identified a modern social irritation that many recognise but few articulate with such colourful vigour.
