A reader in his late 20s married a woman with a six-year-old daughter. The biological father was absent, and the girl quickly bonded with him as a father figure. The marriage, though not great, produced two sons, now ten and eight. After the couple separated, the reader maintained a good relationship with all three children, including his stepdaughter.
Transformation after university
Everything was fine until the stepdaughter returned from university. Before leaving, she was an awkward teenager, temperamental and difficult. But she returned as a glamorous, confident young woman. She landed a fantastic job and asked to live with him since his flat is near her workplace. He agreed, and they get along very well—too well, from his perspective.
He confesses to having sexual fantasies about her at night, feelings he knows are inappropriate. He hates himself for these thoughts and considers asking her to leave, but knows it would upset her deeply.
Advice from Laura Collins
Laura Collins, a counsellor and columnist, advises against cutting contact. “You’re the only dad she’s ever known, and such an act would be cruel and confusing for her,” she writes. Instead, she urges him to deal with his emotions and establish healthy boundaries.
Collins emphasizes maintaining parental distance and stopping seeing her as a sexual object. She warns that if the stepdaughter knew his thoughts, she would likely view him as a “dirty old pervert,” ruining their bond. She suggests he seek a fulfilling relationship with someone appropriate, perhaps via dating apps, and urgently pursue therapy to untangle his feelings and focus on his role as a father.
Practical steps include avoiding close physical situations like cuddling on the sofa. Collins notes that blood relatives usually have a natural barrier against such closeness, but in his case, he must create boundaries deliberately. This way, he can continue providing the fatherly relationship she deserves.
