A gay man from Arizona has opened up about his decision to remain in a so-called 'lavender marriage' with his wife, choosing not to divorce despite no longer having a sexual relationship.
A love story that defied expectations
Marty Mar, who is 45, and his wife Brandi, 42, first met at a barbecue in 2008. Marty was openly gay from the outset, yet the pair quickly became inseparable. The technology director from Phoenix assumed his powerful connection with Brandi meant his sexuality might include attraction to women. "Somehow we just kept choosing each other," Marty reflects. "I came out as only being attracted to men, but I was drawn to her."
Brandi, a senior loans officer, reciprocated these deep feelings and committed fully to their partnership. The couple married in 2011 and later welcomed a daughter, building a life together that felt complete for nearly a decade.
The pivotal realisation during lockdown
Everything shifted for Marty in 2020 during the Covid-19 pandemic. While exploring content on the queer side of TikTok, he had a profound realisation: he was, unequivocally, still gay. This second coming out necessitated a significant change in his marriage.
"When I came out the second time, there was an adjustment period where she had to fall out of love with me in that way," Marty explains. The couple stopped being intimate, moved into separate rooms, and eventually to different floors within their home. However, they made a conscious decision: their family unit would not dissolve. "We never stopped being a family," he states.
Choosing family and friendship over separation
Their primary focus became their now 14-year-old daughter, London. "We didn't want her world to fall apart," Marty says, noting her incredible support. The couple opted against divorce, defining their arrangement as a lavender marriage—a heterosexual partnership where one or both individuals are same-sex attracted.
Marty passionately defends their choice. "We have a home, a daughter, investments, shared history – she's my person and my emergency contact," he says. He argues that their relationship, built on deep respect and friendship, is something many envy. "People think marriage is about sex, but there are at least 10 different kinds of intimacy."
By sharing his journey on social media, Marty aims to challenge conventional views on marriage. He contends that societal acceptance often favours pretence over honesty, suggesting lavender marriages are seen as more taboo than infidelity or neglect.
His openness has also provided a platform to discuss past trauma and sexual assault, which previously complicated his intimacy with men and delayed his self-acceptance. "For the first time in my life, I love who I am," he affirms.
Building a future, together but independent
Dating is not a current priority for either Marty or Brandi. In the past three years, Marty has been on a single date while Brandi has had none. "When you've been together 17 years, dating isn't a yearning, it's something you have to prioritise," Marty notes, citing the complexities of jobs, parenting a teenager, and managing businesses.
Instead, they are future-focused, planning to build an L-shaped home further out of town. This design would allow for interlinked living spaces, shared gardens, and a pool, but also separate driveways and independence. This blueprint symbolises their commitment to staying connected while honouring their individual truths.
Marty emphasises that he never married Brandi under false pretences, but out of genuine love—a love whose form has simply evolved. "I wasn't trying to escape to another life," he concludes. "I just wanted to finally live in my truth and somehow we're still doing that together."
